“Find Your Tribe”

Why you won’t hear me use this phrase

“Find your tribe. Love them hard.” is a popular saying these days, but what exactly does that mean? A “tribe” here refers to an established group of close-knit friends whose friendships are so close that others may not often understand. At least that’s what I gathered from Urban Dictionary. Seems pretty straight-forward and kind of nice.

Friendships are great. Friendships are important. We were created for community and relationship. We were not designed to live life alone and isolated. I’m all about having close friends and loving people. So, why do I find I have such a hard time using the word “tribe” to describe my friends?

When I think of the word “tribe” the mental image I get is of a smallish group of people that look alike, dress alike, act alike, live relatively in the same area, and travel together in a group. Throw in the phrase an “established” group that “stays together forever,” and being in a tribe starts to sound a little like being in a clique – [“a small group of people, with shared interests or other features in common, who spend time together and do not readily allow others to join them.” (google)] But maybe I’m wrong.

So, naturally I turned to Google to see exactly what a tribe is. Here’s what I found (emphasis mine):

“a social division in a traditional society consisting of families or communities linked by social, economic, religious, or blood ties, with a common culture and dialect, typically having a recognized leader; a distinctive or close-knit group.” (google)

“any aggregate of people united by ties of descent from a common ancestor, community of customs and traditions, adherence to the same leaders, etc.; a division of some other people” (dictionary.com)

“a group of persons having a common character, occupation, or interest” (meriam-webster.com)

A quick look at my friendships reveals that I don’t really have a tribe.

My friends and I share different social circles (different churches, different workplaces, different neighborhoods).

We have varying economic statuses.

While most of my friends are believers in Jesus, we all grew up with different religious backgrounds – some of my friends grew up with no religious background at all.

We certainly don’t have any blood ties or common ancestors (unless you count Adam and Noah).

The only recognized leader we all follow is Jesus:)

We don’t share the same customs or traditions (For example: some of us celebrate Halloween and some don’t; some of us do Santa and others don’t.)

We all have very different occupations including teachers, real estate and insurance agents, SAHMs, social workers, and administrative assistants.

Goodness, we don’t even all share the same interests. I have friends that enjoy sports (yay!) and friends that don’t drink coffee (gasp!)

I have friends that live in my neighborhood, and friends in other states. I have friends that are SAHMs, working moms, foster moms, and not moms at all. Friends who homeschool and friends who don’t. Friends with different political viewpoints and medical opinions. Friends of various ethnic and cultural backgrounds. The list of our differences is way more exhaustive than the list of our commonalities.

So where do my friends and I fit in? I guess we don’t, but that’s ok because what fun would it be if we were all the same? What would we learn from each other if we all had the same viewpoints? What could we offer each other if we all had the same gifts? And how would we have love and empathy for those that are different from us?

Each of my friendships are valuable to me and in different ways. I have friends I call when I want to go to bungee class, and friends I call when I want to go for coffee. I have friends that go on playdates with me and my kids and friends that play video games and cards with my husband and I. I have friends I can call at 3am and friends that I know not to call after 9:30pm. None of these factors make these friendships any more or any less valuable. I get to do life with all of these people in different ways, and my life is better and richer for it.

I don’t have only one best friend, and I also don’t have an established group of 3 or 5 friends that walk around town as a tribe always seen together. Because all my friends are from different circles we don’t always have the same schedules or the same interests; but I’ve always been intentional about creating opportunities to bring together my friends. I have seen so many new and beautiful relationships develop between several of my friends that would have otherwise never met each other. I don’t need an “established” group. Instead, I want my circle to continue to grow and expand. I want to welcome others in and see friendships fostered between all the people I know and love.

I hope that I make people always feel welcome and included and comfortable and free to be themselves in whatever setting we’re in. I hope that people never see me with my established “tribe” and feel like they don’t have a place there or wonder if they meet the qualifications to join. There’s always room for more.

You don’t have to be from the same social circle, economic background, neighborhood, or job to be connected. You don’t have to live the same lives or enjoy all the same things.

If being in a tribe means you’ve found an established group of people who are a lot the same then I guess I don’t have a tribe, and that’s ok. I have friends. and to me – that is infinitely better.