Raising Surrendered Girls in a Strong Girl World
I’m a mom of three girls in a culture that shouts “strong girls” and “girl power” at every turn. Yet when I hear or see these phrases I sometimes cringe. I know this sentiment is neither common nor popular. I also know that words like “submission” and “surrender” are almost taboo – even sexist or chauvinist when used in reference to women. Despite all this, here I am trying to raise surrendered girls. You might want to stop reading and dismiss me at this point, but hear me out.
First of all, here are some things surrender and submission are not.
- Surrender typically carries the connotation of giving up or giving in. Neither of these things are things I am trying to teach my kids. I want my girls to work hard and not give up just because things get difficult.
- Submission carries the definition of being forced against our will to submit to something that is wrong or against our core values. This is definitely NOT something I want my girls to do. I want them to be confident in who they are and what is right and stick to it. I want them to stand firm even when it’s not popular.
- Surrender also implies defeat. I most certainly don’t want my girls living in defeat or self-doubt.
- Submission sometimes conjures the image of someone cowering in fear. However, I consistently remind my girls to not be afraid but to be brave; so this idea of submission isn’t what I want for them either.
So if none of these definitions are things I want for my girls, why on earth am I raising my girls to live surrendered lives, and how can this possibly be a good thing?
1. Because I want to keep them safe. One of the first things we begin to teach our children is the idea and concept of obedience. Why? Because we are oppressive dictators? Of course not! We teach our children beginning in infancy the concept of obedience because we LOVE them! We teach them obedience because we want what’s best for them. Because we are older and wiser and and we know that touching the stove or running in the street or swallowing toys could be life-threatening. We teach our children to obey our instructions because we love them and want them to be safe and healthy. And isn’t obedience the same thing as submission? It is according to the dictionary. The very definition of obedience includes the word “submission.” So yes, I want my children to be submissive to my instructions to not run in the road without looking, and I want them to do it immediately. This plays over into their relationship with God as well. If I can teach them that the rules we as parents place in their lives are for their protection because we love them I can also teach them that
God’s ways are for their good as well because He loves them even more.
2. Because they aren’t always right. Anyone who is a parent can agree with this. Our children are obviously not always right; and here’s the thing –
no matter how old you are you will never always be right.
Learning how to be humble when you make a mistake is a great quality to learn from an early age. Earlier I said I wanted to teach my girls to stand their ground and stand up for what they believe; but sometimes I want them to be humble enough to see when they are wrong and not continue to pursue whatever the wrong idea or action is. I want them to surrender their will and their desires when they are wrong desires that will lead to hurt and destruction; and being able to discern when they are wrong is expressly tied to their relationship God and their willingness to listen to Him.
3. Because being in control isn’t always a good thing. I really like to be in control. I really like it when things go my way. Who doesn’t? But being in control involves a lot of responsibility as well. And when we get it wrong a lot of people can be affected. Being in control can also be really stressful. Striving to be in control of things that are out of our control can be defeating and depressing and exhausting. And let’s face it –
as much as we want to buy into the mantra that “we are in control of our own destiny” and “we make our own happiness” and “we can be whatever we want to be” many times this is just plain NOT TRUE! Not everything is within our power to do or control.
Sometimes no matter how badly we want to reach our dreams of becoming the next Whitney Houston, despite hours of singing lessons, we might just not have the pipes. And that’s ok, because God already made Whitney Houston. He needs a you! I want to teach my children to surrender to God’s will for their lives because what He has planned for them will be greater than anything they can dream up for themselves. (and I would know because I lived this in my own life – maybe another blog post…)
4. Because self-reliance can be dangerous. Oh my goodness. This one might be my soap box – and this is coming from a person who is very independent and strong-willed. I am a doer and an achiever. And while I love to hang out with and be around people, I like to work alone – because “I can do it better myself!” (ha!) Yes, I do want my girls to learn to do things on their own, solve their own problems, and work hard for their own accomplishments. But I also want them to know that there is NOTHING they can accomplish apart from God. He is the author and giver of life. He is the one who has blessed them with their gifts and talents. He is the one that helps them through their struggles – that gives them the strength to endure temptations and navigate the hardships of life. I often hear the saying “God will never give us anything we can’t handle,” but it’s just not true. God will never give us anything HE can’t handle. (We can’t really handle anything! ha) If we live like we can do it all and we don’t need anyone – particularly God – then we are in trouble.
We have to daily surrender our thoughts, feelings, struggles to the ONE who can carry the load. I want to teach my girls that the battle isn’t theirs to win. They don’t have to do it all or be it all.
5. Because speaking our minds all the time isn’t wise. There seems to be this idea that you are a strong woman if you are able to speak your mind. However, from a mind-speaking woman, this is NOT a great idea in lots of situations. Of course it’s great to stand up for the oppressed and speak out against injustices, but it is definitely not necessary for everyone to know what you think or how you feel about everything.
Speaking our minds in every situation isn’t a show of strength; it is a demonstration of a lack of self-control.
I want my girls to have the wisdom to know when to speak up and when to demonstrate self-control, and then also have the ability to surrender their desire to let it all out.
6. Because it takes strength to surrender. You see – it’s not really an either/or thing.
You don’t have to choose between being strong or surrendering.
It takes a greater amount of strength to submit to your God-given authorities than it does to go your own way. It takes a greater amount of strength to humble yourself and admit when you are wrong than it does to keep pretending you’re right. It takes a greater amount of strength to exchange your plans for God’s better ones even when you don’t know the reason. Sometimes it actually takes a greater amount of strength to let go of something than to cling to it tightly. It takes a greater amount of strength to resist the temptation to do wrong than it does to go with the crowd. It takes a greater amount of strength to hold our tongues and exhibit self-control than it does to spew our feelings and frustrations. Self-control takes great inner strength that comes only from a relationship with God.
7. Because you become stronger when you learn to surrender. Sometimes life throws us curve balls. There will be trials and hardships and devastating loss. If we try to live through these things pretending to be strong and trying to hold it together for those around us we aren’t fooling anyone, and we are hurting ourselves in the process. Sometimes being strong means surrendering our hurts and our struggles to the One who can carry them. God is the One who will fight for us if we only surrender. I love this quote from MOPS International:
“If we are willing to surrender to the plans and timing of our loving God, [He] promises to strengthen, establish, and deliver us[…] We don’t give in to fear, pain, loss, uncertainty, or chaos. We can surrender to the fire of transformation, knowing that God brings good things from it – allowing us to emerge truer and braver [stronger] than we ever imagined we could. We will be women who trust that God is fighting for us, so we need only to be still.”
I want to teach my girls that when they do surrender, Go will use the trials in their lives to strengthen them and transform them into the women He wants them to be.
So here I am – a mom of three girls in a culture that promotes “strong girls” and “girl power” at every turn, trying to teach them to live surrendered lives:
Lives surrendered to the One who made them and loves them and knows them and has greater plans for them than I or they could ever have.
Because ultimately by teaching them to surrender to Him I am raising girls who will be strong in mind, strong in character, and strong in spirit.
And these are the kind of “strong girls” I want to raise.
